Eloise: The Absolutely Essential by Kay Thompson Download (read online) free eBook (PDF ePub Kindle)

Eloise: The Absolutely Essential

An ebullient six-year-old Eloise describes her busy life in New York City’s Plaza Hotel.


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    Patrick


    This book should be titled: “How to be a spoiled little bitch.”

    I asked my little boy if he’s like to read some books the other day, and he brought over this one, asking if I’d read it next.

    I’d never read it before, which is fine with me. I like to read him new books. Too much repetition can get wearying to me.

    But this book… Seriously. It pissed me off.

    I’ve read bad children’s books before. Books with bad stories. Books that were nausiating with sweetness and love. Books that were obviously

    I asked my little boy if he’s like to read some books the other day, and he brought over this one, asking if I’d read it next.

    I’d never read it before, which is fine with me. I like to read him new books. Too much repetition can get wearying to me.

    But this book… Seriously. It pissed me off.

    I’ve read bad children’s books before. Books with bad stories. Books that were nausiating with sweetness and love. Books that were obviously just a vehicle for someone to poke their religion into an unsuspecting child.

    But this one actually made me want to rage-quit.

    What bothers me more than anything is that this is a *classic* book. I’m guessing a lot of you grew up reading it. I just looked online and found hundreds of reviewers *gushing* about how charming and *Mawhvelous* a character Eloise is.

    But she’s not. Eloise is a little bitch.

    She’s six years old, and uses the Plaza as her personal playground. She bothers people in the lobby. She bothers people in the elevators. She says one of her favorite things to do is run down the hallway with sticks, hitting the doors of other guests. She crashes other people’s weddings.

    The manager of the hotel says she’s a nuisance. But he says it with a forced smile on his face? Why? Because Eloise tells us that her mom knows the *owner* which is apparently why she lives in the penthouse and gets to do whatever she wants.

    And that’s it. That’s the whole story, just her running around, amusing herself, making up games, and being a little monster. Forever.

    Where are her parents? She has none. A father is never mentioned at all, and her mother is away somewhere, busy meeting important people. “My mother knows Coco Chanel.”

    Instead she has a nanny. A nanny who apparently spends most of the day up in the penthouse sniffing glue, because Eloise is never supervised when she’s running around the hotel.

    There’s no moment when she feels compassion for anyone. No moment where she doesn’t get her way. No one ever criticizes her. At the end of the book she thinks to herself, “Maybe tomorrow I’ll pour a pitcher of water down the mail chute.”

    The end. No moral. She doesn’t learn anything. Doesn’t change.

    She is just a little bitch.

    Here’s the one thing I’ll say for it. Back when it was written, in the early 50’s, it was probably wonderfully refreshing for little girls to see a little girl misbehaving. A little girl with power. A little girl living a wish-fulfillment life where she does whatever she likes, never gets in trouble, everyone has to be nice to her, and she eats room service ever day.

    But today, in 2013? Do you honestly think that’s something kids need to learn? Fuck no.

    You know what Eloise reminds me of? She reminds me of a stereotypical American. The sort of American that people believe in over in Germany and Spain and China. She is loud, spoiled, rude, and entitled.

    And she never, *ever* gets in trouble. No one ever even speaks a hard word to her.

    I’m not saying this book doesn’t has it’s charming parts. The voice is good. The art is good. The book wouldn’t have been a success without those things.

    But is it a good book for children in this day and age?

    No. No it really isn’t. Not unless you’re trying to show your kids a good example of how to act like total little unlovable bastards.

    Let’s just be clear here. Eloise isn’t “precocious” she’s not “a scamp.”

    She is a little monster. She’s the sort of child that if you saw her in real life, you’d look up at her parents (who would probably be ignoring her while sipping half-decaf lattes and thumb typing on their iphones) and say, “Hey. You. Yeah you! Get over her and control your fucking demon spawn of a child! She just tipped over a magazine rack and is pouring all the cream into the toilet! What? Yes I’d say that is your problem. No. No, she’s not a free spirit. You’re a careless idiot. She’s your responsibility. Be a goddamn parent for five minutes and institute some discipline!”

    And then I would just start choking people until I went to jail.

    So… yeah.

    Didn’t like this book much.

    I don’t recommend it.


    …more