The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan Download (read online) free eBook (PDF ePub Kindle)

The Forest of Hands and Teeth (The Forest of Hands and Teeth, #1)

In Mary’s world there are simple truths. The Sisterhood always knows best. The Guardians will protect and serve. The Unconsecrated will never relent. And you must always mind the fence that surrounds the village; the fence that protects the village from the Forest of Hands and Teeth. But, slowly, Mary’s truths are failing her. She’s learning things she never wanted to know

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    Cory

    Jan 21, 2011

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    How to Write a Best Selling YA Novel

    1. Make sure you write the book in a POV that distances us from the narrator. If you have no idea how to write 1st Person Present, do it any way. It makes the book confusing and fun for your reader to plow through. Also, make sure your narrator’s POV is very boring. Boring enough to put Plato, Jane Austen, and Shakespeare to sleep.

    2. Make your narrator a selfish, boring girl with little to no life outside of her love interest and one singular hobby. Whether i

    1. Make sure you write the book in a POV that distances us from the narrator. If you have no idea how to write 1st Person Present, do it any way. It makes the book confusing and fun for your reader to plow through. Also, make sure your narrator’s POV is very boring. Boring enough to put Plato, Jane Austen, and Shakespeare to sleep.

    2. Make your narrator a selfish, boring girl with little to no life outside of her love interest and one singular hobby. Whether it be loving the ocean, loving books, or loving to whine, make sure it’s only one hobby. We can’t have her be interesting or three dimensional. That would make her complex and intriguing. Also, make sure she has a best friend that she can envy, and a boy that adores her. It gives her more reasons to angst and whine. Then top it off with a tragic past. Often both parents should be dead and she should have a relative that hates her. That way if a reviewer says she’s whiny and annoying, someone can refute this by saying she has reasons to be whiny and annoying.

    3. Love triangles are a must. If you can, make sure that you give no reason why the romantic leads are in-love with each other. And then give the heroine a love-interest that absolutely adores her. Make sure that both boys love the girl, but the girl just loves one for no particular reason. Actually chemistry isn’t necessary. See Hush, Hush, Twilight, and Fallen for abusive love triangles. They’re just so much fun. But if you want to deprive your reader of that delicious voyeuristic experience, make both love interests as boring and bland as you see fit.

    4. Research popular trends. This is a must. If you see vampires are popular, don’t write about them. You’re and original creative being. Choose angels instead. Or better yet, demons. If you’re feeling really adventurous, pick up a copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Then randomly flip to any page. But make sure your beast has lips and is capable of having abs like a chiseled Greek god. Disregard the fact that most Greeks gods actually raped women when they wanted sex. That part isn’t important. If you’re stuck, skip to step six.

    5. If you can’t find something totally awesome, pick up a popular adult book. Or better yet, a movie. Make sure it’s a really bad movie. One that bombed at the box office so no-one will know where you stole your plot. If you’re trying to find really bad movies, search M. Night’s catalog. Pick The Village. Don’t research the history behind the movie. If you can, avoid the fact that M. Night was sued for plagiarism over that script. Your story can stand on its own. It just needs that one special thing.

    6. If you don’t know what special creature needs to be in your book, don’t fret. Pick a number between one and ten. If you picked anything above five, you’ve got zombies on your hands. Anything below five, and you’re wrestling with unicorns. If you picked five, you’ve got a boring contemporary novel on your hands. Human boys suck.

    7. Use a plot generator. And make your story very predictable, but annoyingly ambiguous so you can leave room for a sequel.

    8. Don’t spend a few weeks developing your characters.

    9. Try your hand at being Dan Brown for a day. Create some lame conspiracies.

    10. Research is the bane of your existence. You don’t have to actually read about your subject matter. Why read a fantasy novel if you’re writing fantasy? That’s just stupid. If you’re writing about a post-apocalyptic world forget about logic. Don’t even touch any other books. You’re much better than those writers. Why spoil your creative juices with inspiration. What a disgusting word that is. If you’re writing about angels and demons, don’t you dare touch the bible. Stay far away from Paradise Lost, the Divine Comedy, or any of that sick canon that stunts your creativity. Same thing for zombies. Don’t read or watch anything related to zombies. In fact, barely focus on the zombies at all. Your boring love triangle is much more interesting.

    11. Think up an awesome title. Remember, that’s the most important part. Once you’ve got the reader hooked on that, nothing else matters.

    12. Spend one week writing the novel. Better yet, take a page out of John Hughes book. Spend one day finishing that bad boy.

    13. Don’t get anyone else to read it. They’d just give you that nasty thing called criticism. Just send it through spell check two or three times. That’s all the editing you really need.

    14. Spend three weeks on the query. Make sure you only tighten the first page of your manuscript. Those are the most important parts. After all, teens these days just don’t need decent literature. You’re in this for the paycheck, remember?

    15. Once you have your agent and your three book deal, make sure to suck up to your cover artist. Your book needs to look awesome for it to sell.

    16. Write up a few thin outlines for the rest of the trilogy and give it to your ghost writer. If you can, squeeze out a spin-off series.

    17. Give ARCs to everyone you know. Make sure you bribe them to write good reviews.

    18. Sit back and bathe in the awesomeness of having your book debut on the New York Times bestselling list. Watch the royalty checks come in and pad your pockets.

    19. Sell your movie rights as fast as possible.

    20. Now that your book is mega-popular, take the time to read it over for the second time. Yes, this is the second time you’ve read that novel. Don’t be embarrassed. It rocks.

    Disclaimer: For the record, I stopped reading this book two-thirds of the way through. This was satire if any of you are actually thinking of using this as a guide to become the next Stephanie Meyer.


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